It’s raining, a silent rain, almost like it’s winter with the snow falling. The trees

have just begun their first step into reincarnation, it is as though they are a phoenix, dying

into magnificent golden and burgundy flames. Although the death of the colossal plants

is slow, probably for the painters. Only a few tress have turned in the midst of the death

month... a death month in more ways than one for me. There is such beauty in their

death. The elegance in which they die, more beautiful than grinding metal and panicked

shrieks, no blood or tears, no hurt, and they always come back.

It’s odd. I find math class the easiest class to write in. Perhaps it’s the wish of

writing and English, of course my sister was more into that. It’s something to take my

mind off of math, and it’s time I dealt with the facts, at least that’s what Dr. Morgan said.

We’re supposed to be on a first name basis, but I think she treats me too much like a little

kid for us to be “equals”. My brain didn’t die, they did.

“Kessa! Are you okay?” My friend Sage waved his hand in front of my eyes. I

don’t remember coming out of math class, but I guess I was daydreaming too much. Sage

isn’t his real name, his parent are from Ireland, and so is he, but he only has a slight

accent because he’s lived here since he was seven. Seanan Herrick, Sage fits him

thought, we named him, I don’t remember why or how it came about. You can tell he’s

Irish without even knowing his name or hearing his voice. He has tumbling curly raven

hair, like ours, to his ears, although ours are to our waists. He has the brightest blue eyes

I’ve ever seen, but they are sad eyes today, and have been flashing sorrow to meet the

same in my electric green eyes, that have been taken ill recently.

“I’m fine.” I whispered and handed him my books so I could walk with my

crutches. I broke my leg in the accident, concussion, bruises, I have a long cut on my

arm from the glass breaking, but I was the lucky one.

“Are you doing any better, then?” He tried to catch my glance again, but I don’t

like looking into his eyes anymore, I don’t want to see what he sees.

“Yes, is Adrian sick today? I haven’t seen him.” Adrian is my boyfriend, but

when it happened, he was the last in our quartet. He’s different from Sage, taller, his face

more defined, his hair is a shaggy sandy brown that often falls into his earthy eyes.

“ I haven’t seen him either. Kessa...” I didn’t want to look up at him, I know I

shouldn’t have, but I did, and I saw his azure eyes pleading with mine. “I miss her, too,

Kessa.” It didn’t hurt him like it hurt me. I wanted to yell at him and smack him and tell

him he’d never miss her as much as I did. I wanted to hug him and make his pain go

away, with mine, at the same time. But I just looked at him, shocked unable to move

until the bell rang again, and I moved away from my class room, and out the door and

went home.

I stopped at a little side park to get some rest. My arms hurt and my toes were

cold, poking out of the cast. It was still raining and I drifted back into my thoughts. The

rain slowed, and things began to awaken. I can hear the water dripping off of buildings as

it builds up and pours off. There was an angry bird, crying because his feather are wet,

but rejoicing because the ground is. I remembered how a droplet looked when it is put

into slow motion. And I imagined every rain drop that fell doing that in front of me.

Crashing down on the earth, exploding upwards, splitting into to others and falling again.

Defying gravity of only that moment.

That’s how she looked when she flew out of the car. Lillian. Someone must have

pulled me out, no one really knows how I got out, if someone did, they didn’t stay around

long enough to save Dad. He was trapped inside, his seat belt wouldn’t let go of him. It

was like a boa constrictor, taking all of his energy and then the car caught fire. I was

looking into the other driver’s glossy eyes, his neck broken, the flames reflected in them.

I couldn’t move, I stared into the dead man’s eyes, cursing him for running a stop sign.

My dad screamed at my twin and I, that he loved us, and he would see us soon. He didn’t

I was alive. Then my dad started screaming, horrible panicked screams, then terrified,

then painful. The police said I was screaming, too.

Rain gives life, like air. That’s why I don’t mind being in it, breathing it. It’s a

cold rain, most Autumn rains are. I remember asking my brother, Leo, if he thought rain

was amazing. He just shook his head, but Lillian agreed. I think it’s like the ocean is

sharing itself with us, but we give it nothing in return.

I sighed and shivered, I felt warmness wrap around me instantly, huge arms

gripping me, I screamed.

“Kessa, dear, you can’t leave keep leaving school like that.” It was only Adrian.

“I’m a Senior, I don’t need to be there everyday. I have almost all of my credits.

How did you know I was here?”

“Sage called me from his cell phone at lunch, told me he made you runaway

again, so I was driving to your house when I saw your beautiful hair-”

“Are you sick?” I interrupted.

“ I have the flu, but I wanted to make sure you were okay. I’ll take you home.”

He scooped me up in his arms, not very difficult since I’m so tiny, and carried me to his

‘99 black Pontiac Grand Am. He went back for my crutches, and drove me the rest of the

way.

Leo was not happy when Adrian carried me into our apartment. I used to live in a

house on the other side of town, Leo is twenty-five, eight years older than Lillian and I.

He moved to Maine from Vermont, where we are now, and became a Computer Scientist,

which is a very well paid job, so he can easily take care of me. He got us an apartment on

top of an old building with a small book store underneath. It’s fairly large, three

bedrooms, kitchen, living room, bathroom, back room where I can paint. Lillian would

have liked the room with the window seat, so I took the smaller room. He had everything

out and the house sold by the time I was out of the hospital, he’s really good at things like

that.

Adrian stopped when he saw Leo and looked at me. “I’m sorry, sweetie, I called

him because I was worried.” I glared and wriggled out of his arms and hobbled very

sternly to my room and slammed the door. I could hear them whispering, Adrian

suddenly coughed very loudly for a long time and I could hear the weakness in his voice.

Leo knocked politely on my door.

“Kessa, I’m going to take Adrian home, he’s not feeling well.” I didn’t answer

him.

I quickly tore of my soaking clothes and pulled a sweater over my head. It was so

cold. I had to rummage through my clothes hamper to find my cozy pajama bottoms, they

were the warmest I had, and the easily went over my cast. My bed was against a window,

the curtains were draped over, I don’t like sunlight in my room. I separated them to

watch the rain again. I curled under my covers and my eyes went through the panes into

the grey world to observe.

A few flashes of lightning, once every couple of minutes, but the wind picked up.

It wasn’t still as before. More sounds, birds and crickets made music, calling to me, a

siren’s sad song. I could hear the droplet’s on the leaves, and the wind shook them with

all her might to shake them from their home. She was only trying to replenish the earth,

but it’s too late, the phoenixes will de, and return.

There are people who do not realize the beauty, but stagger through the world

blind, on a time schedule, never taking the time to just stop, admire, feel. I was numb

after it happened. I slowly began to feel again, today was the only day I noticed the

numbness was weakening.

Adrian and Sage came over a day after I was home, Sage was more attached to

Lillian then to me, he left crying, apologizing for doing so. When he left I started crying

too, that’s when Adrian wrapped his arms around me and kissed my tears, my face, and

then my lips. I was crying so hard, and trembling, but with his arms around me and his

lips against mine, I felt warm and safe. When he left I lay cuddling Lillian’s teddy bear

and fell asleep.

That’s how Sage found me when he came to bring my books I’d left with him. He

sat down on my bed and stared at me, I was half-awake, I knew he was there. I could

almost seem him, gazing down at me like a love to a princess, but there was a tenderness

there that could only be shared by a brother. I could see his eyes move from my face to

the bear I was wrapped around. I could see his lips coming closer to my cheek before I

felt their velvet softness, Adrian’s seemed harder. I could see in his mind he wished I

was Lillian, almost positive I was her! Then drawing back, ashamed of what he’d

thought of. It must be hard on them, I’m a constant reminder, I just have to avoid mirrors,

and the emptiness.

His weight left the bed, he was crying again, I hated it when he cried, I hated him

for doing it, too. “Thank you, Sage.” I whispered, not opening my eyes to see his face.

he didn’t face me though, he must have nodded and walked out the door, passing Leo on

the way.

I was too ashamed to talk to Leo, it was not the first time I had skipped classes. I

doubted if it would be the last. I was also shamed I had brought Adrian out with his

illness. I was simply mortified to know I’ve made Sage cry, again. And I was scared

because I only felt numbness again. Nothing.

And I see the darkness the clouds bring, and see their beauty as it falls. And I feel

the wind change with the leaves which are dying tear to pieces, or sometimes float

unharmed to the ground, to whiter and decompose, feeding that which killed them.

The trees are reaching, clawing like skeletons to the sky, the veins of the earth.

The are really, the roots of the earth, the giants, taking in the air so the earth can breathe.

There was a sudden chill in the air. The breeze swells, and the leaves cackle like bitter

laugher.

It feels like the whole world is sleeping, but I. The whole world is the leaves,

waiting for my next mistake, my next move! I feel as if I’ve been check-mated already,

cast off into oblivion and set down alone, secluded, a recluse. At times like this I

pondered about the significance of certain things, and mostly found none at all. I can not

do this, I can not handle this, it happened too sudden, too fast, too much! Too, too, too!

Leo, Adrian, and Sage can’t help me anymore, only Lillian can, and Lillian is the reason!

Like (literary allusion here). As if the moment of gravity defied, the earth turned all its

hate on me, and everything I know or don’t know is wrong.

Chapter Two: