When the average person first comes in visual contact with the internet, they are struck with amazement. They are sometimes even left speechless. One such person described the feeling later in this way: "How on earth do people waste so much time? There's nothing to do!"

And, indeed, much of the time people spend is wasted, the same the way the time we spend on the phone is wasted, the time we spend shopping is wasted, the time we spend playing board games, card games, sports that we aren't getting paid for, and a million other things is wasted. You're thinking, "That time isn't wasted! That's my social life!" Yeah, well, for a lot of people (myself included) their social life is online. Even for those who use the internet solely as a productive tool (I've only met 1 such person) the internet has a social side to it. Isn't that the whole source of the popularity of the internet: the chance to meet with millions of people from all over the world?

Yes, I know I'm a geek. Many people have pointed that out already. Yes, I'm obsessed with this internet thing, yes having my social life online certifies me as a grade A nerd, but that's only in your world. In my world, I'm on my way up the ladder of success up to Guru! Heck, I even have my own server! You don't understand? You don't care? Fine, you don't have to beg, I'll explain how MY people rank superiority!

See, waaaaaaay down there at the bottom of the ladder? See that pond scum writhing it's way to the bottom rung? That's you, internet newbie. Ok, maybe you're not a newbie, but that thing down there certainly is! I bet he couldn't find his own IP with directions and a map! He's probably never trouted anyone, always forwards e-mail virus notifications, and still thinks a rail is a metal bar. In the words of the immortal Bugs Bunny, "What a maroon!"

A few steps up, do you see that slimy little frog? He's been around a bit more. He's realized that viruses are reported in the news, not by e-mail. He's realized that people who try to chat with you at random are probably either spammers or really bored and have nothing to say. He may even have a game he's addicted to. He's moving up in the world.

A little ways above him, the first of the mammals on our journey, a rat. He's figured out enough to be a royal pain in a insignificant way. He flames post boards, PKs anyone he sees on Ultima Online, and even installed his own video card to play Halflife. His web page is fully functional, maybe even with a touch of Javascript to spice it up (and annoy his visiters). He progress has begun.

Finally we've reached a primate, not too far down there. This little monkey has gained a little intelligence, a little self control, and a little humility. He has seen the best games the internet has to offer, stuff made from the Quake III engine, RPG's that didn't start out on the Playstation, and war strategy games with the word "Craft" in the title. His web page is starting to get some hits, and he's even heard his own site recommended to him by someone else! His CGI scripts are getting more complex, and his neighbors (in the real world) ask him for help when they get stuck with something.

Now we're up to the real population of the internet. What this rank cannot do because of lack of numbers it can do with technical skill. These are those who's sites are well known, getting thousands of hits per day. They've found some minor way to cash in on their talents, and have come $$ from their endeavors. They usually have jobs relating to computers, web pages that amaze, and can type numbers and other characters as fast as they can letters. Some have remarkable talents: some can program in more than 4 languages, some have the ability to tinker with programs they download, and they can usually tell when they have a virus without the help of a virus scanner. You may have noticed that I'm looking up now.

Up above them, you'll notice that they're beyond human. The latter has already ended, and they are pulling themselves up via telekinesis. Those are the gurus, the hackers, the hardcore gamers, the masters of our realm. When they can't find a program they need, they write it. If there's a patch or crack to a program, they can find it. If your computer has a hardware problem, they can fix it. But it'll cost ya. Professionals like that don't work for free.

Can you see that light far above us there? That's the last rank. No, that's not the sun, that is something far holier. That is the ultimate in computer knowledge. Those are they who write Linux kernels in their spare time. Those are they who, if inclined, can hack any system and escape undetected. They are not hackers by trade, though. They are above hackers. They, if evilly allied, are Crackers, the guys that can solve any file format, crack any program, sell any secret. They rarely have websites unless they are 1) unusually kind or 2) enjoy tormenting the lesser mortals. Why are you not kneeling? Do you wish their wrath?

And you thought I was a nerd! I proved you right, didn't I? Well, someday I plan to reach the pinnacle reached by so few: to be a really, REALLY rich nerd. Like Bill Gates or something, only without the degenerate evil and with some technical skill of my own. Perhaps one day, I'll invite you to my mansion.

I need someone to clean my pool...